August 1, 2019
I woke before the sun once again, nothing new, but certainly a reminder of my struggle. My mind and body are incapable of being on the same page; hell they’re not even in the same book. Some days, I sleep peacefully waking to a short reprieve from the incessant chatter, but most days it’s a race. A sprint to see if I can efficiently negotiate the five hours of decent energy I am awarded each day. The countdown begins the moment my eyes open, an ever-flowing stream of consciousness welcoming me to yet another day of mismatched ambition and fatigue.
Ideas being tossed at me left and right – the should, could, and would of everything my persistent energy finds important. Some days I wake to a tremendous amount of ambitious energy driving me to accomplish something, on my own, that I usually struggle with. A backseat driver of a conscious reminding me that success will bring me joy, no matter how fleeting. What she doesn’t understand is the gut-punch of failure will leave me bruised and battered. Buried in just another reminder that I am not who I was, nor am I who I expected to be in this season of my life or any other.
Most days I negotiate my options and choose grocery delivery over shopping in person. Most days I know the benefit of delivery will outweigh the cost, but some days I desperately need to be out in the world. Desperate to feel the energy of others, no matter how good or bad. That’s the thing I never understood, as exhausting as sensitivity is, an empath cannot live without the energy of others. It’s not codependency, it’s survival. Some days I force myself to get in the car and do the thing I dread the most, not for fear of emotional discomfort alone, but physical pain as well.
Today was one of those days – today was also a reminder of my weaknesses and limitations. An event that would have taken an hour in a past season, only two-thirds the way complete after two. A two-part shopping trip, split between dry goods and groceries as the first half was far too much for me. And still, I was determined to give it my best effort. That’s what we do right? Wouldn’t want anyone to think we don’t try – wouldn’t want to accept our limitations and move on. No, that would be too easy – we always have something to prove.
Some days I can’t lift a case of water or a bag of dog food; most days I don’t even try. Some days the weakness in my body terrifies me; most days I pretend to ignore it all. The sadness I feel when I’m unable to live life on my terms. The disappointment that I can no longer do things on my own. The fear that I’m destined to be dependent on those who have always been dependent on me. Today was one of those days; a day when no amount of negotiation was going to allow me the strength to do the simplest of tasks. Not without consequence, not without a truth ringing in my mind, body, and spirit – There is no going back.